Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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