i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
