Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
