Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
