Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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