So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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