you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
