I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
