Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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