Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
