A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
