Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
