I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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