best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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