were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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