Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
