After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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