omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i think my mom watched the whole time
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
