Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
