The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
