He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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