I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
