I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
