I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
