Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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