one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
