Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
