I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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