he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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