They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
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Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
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I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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