The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Someone signed my nipple.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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