Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
