The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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