I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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