My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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