mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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