i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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