i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
