I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
