Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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