I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Randomize
