how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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