The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Randomize
