is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
