I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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