The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
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he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
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Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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