I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
