At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
