Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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