I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she pinky promised me she was 18
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is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
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alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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