are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
