You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
