Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
