just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
