if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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