I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
