i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
