so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
