omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
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Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
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He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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